Sunday, December 06, 2009

Billy's Brain Surgery

Percy: Well, today was Buddy's big day. His first scheduled brain surgery is finished. Billy Sweetfeets was volunteered by his brothers, Sammy and Miles Meezer. They wanted to find out why Billy is "weerd."

Cyndi: I was Dr. Buddy's assistant. I was afraid I would pass out at the sight of blood. I didn't. I barfed. All over Dr. Buddy. At least I missed the patient and the sterile instruments.

Sam: Then she passed out. Instead of falling backwards so I could catch her, she fell sideways, landing on Merci, who screeched and dropped the emergency phone. It rolled out of her reach under the operating table.

Cameron: Perhaps we should begin at the beginning and give you an abbreviated account of our day in the operating room.

Cotton: Yes, everything was going well. Percy knocked Billy over the .. uh, knocked Billy out with the anesthetic.

Rusty: Dr. Buddy asked me for the x-ray of a cat brain. I showed him the one he'd left lying on the computer desk.

Dr. Buddy: Rusty, this isn't the right picture. This is a CAT scan of a brain. I need a scan of a cat brain.

Crystal: Here you are, Dr. Buddy. I remembered you were looking at it when you were looking for food on the table. Just brush off the crumbs.

Merci: Everything is ready for you, Dr. Buddy. Are you all positive you want to go through with this? What if something goes wrong?

Dr. Buddy: Don't be a pessimist,. Merci. What could go wrong? Cyndi, scalpel!

Percy: Yikes! That's a lot of blood. Is he supposed to bleed that much?

Cotton: It's a head wound. I read they always bleed profusely.

Sam: This is when Cyndi barfed and fainted.

Dr. Buddy: I can't see what I'm doing. Cotton!

Cotton: Yes?

Dr. Buddy: No, hand me some cotton! I have to sop up some of this blood so I can see.

Crystal: Here you go, doc.

Dr. Buddy: What .... This isn't cotton. It's a coffee filter! Where's the cotton? Who's in charge of supplies?

Crystal: Sorry, doc, I am. I couldn't reach the cotton, so I grabbed a pack of coffee filters.

Cameron: We'll stop there. You get the idea. Things didn't go exactly as planned.

Rusty: And now the operation is over and Dr. Buddy has to give the bad news to Billy's family.

Percy: Dr. Buddy, would you rather one of us tell the Meezers and The Mom.

Dr. Buddy: No, that's my job. Here come the Meezer brothers now. Pull up a couple of chairs for them, will you. They'll need to be sitting down when they hear this news.

Cameron: Those of you who know the Meezers know they have a particular speech pattern and spelling which we don't want to try to copy for fear they'll think we're trying to imitate them. They'll have enough to deal with in a moment.

Sammy: We're here to pick up Billy's remains. Uh, I mean we're here to pick up Billy. Is he ready to go home yet?

Dr. Buddy: No, he's not quite ready yet. And I need to have a serious talk with you two about what happened in the operating room.

Miles: You mean he's .... gasp ... er ...

Merci: Dead.

Sammy & Miles, in unison: Billy's dead!

Merci: Oh, no, Billy's fine. I was just finishing your sentence for you.

Cameron: Yes, Billy's still sleeping off the bop on the .. uh, the anesthetic.

Dr. Buddy: Yes, Billy is fine. But I need to discuss what I discovered during the operation. After I sopped up the excess blood with coffee filters, I found something very mysterious about Billy.

Sammy: What's that?

Dr. Buddy: Billy is weird.

Miles: But we already knew that.

Dr. Buddy: But he's really weird. Here, let me show you what a normal cat brain looks like. See, how pink it is. Now this is Billy's brain. See the difference!

Sammy: What are those green spots?

Dr. Buddy: I'm not sure. Perhaps Billy is a secret nip addict. Or maybe Shaggy, Scooby & Scout were right and Billy's brain needs a good wash. But I didn't feel qualified to do that. You'd need a brainwashing specialist. Oh, it sounds like Billy's waking up now. He should be ready to go home soon. Just don't drop him on the way. The staples will need to be removed in a few days, but your The Mom probably has a staple remover at home. Thank you both for volunteering Billy to be my first surgery patient. I think it has been an educational experience for all of us. If you'll excuse me, I need to go find a tree. I've had my legs crossed for the last 3 hours.

Merci: Hey, doc, Cotton helped me scoot the phone out from under the table. But it's all wet. It smells of pee.

Percy, mumbling: When all that blood started spurting, I nearly joined Cyndi on the floor. But I took it like a man. I didn't barf. I didn't pass out. I just missed the litter pan by about two rooms.

PS -- You can leave get well wishes for Billy at the Meezers.


  1. I am just rolling on the Floor! that was so funny..poor Billy, I think the green dots are smart pills Billy takes to fool people
    Get well soon Billy. and stay hid for a while,I think Buddy likes this way too well!
    Mollie,and Gyp--
    aka KC

  2. ...then again, maybe I should have been there!

    Khyra & Khousin Merdie

  3. Did Billy get a new brain? That seems like it would be a good idea!

  4. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. The surgery story was told so well I felt like I was there. Billy, maybe everybody else is weird and the green spots are the M & M's you might have ate.

  5. Wow! What on earth could those green dots be? I am worried for Billy.

  6. Hi Jan and the Funny Farm Gang,

    We just wanted to stop by and let you know that we've been thinking about you!

  7. We think the green spots on Billy's brain are very pretty.

  8. We knew Billy's brain was just a little bit different...but we love him anyways!

  9. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. so THAT'S where our green jelly beens wented!!!! hmmmmmm I does seem to 'amember trying to shove them in Billy's ears during a rassling match - Miles

    uh, those isn't jelly beens. it's MOLD. Maybe we should haf given gotted the mom to gif permisshun for some brain bleech. - Sammy

  10. huh, maybe that's why ME always sees green spots. ME hadded fun!! well, exsept the head smashing and the bleeding. and the staple gun. but ofur than that ME hadded a good time.

  11. Phew, Dr.Buddy, we are very impressed with your surgical skills.

  12. Well...
    Sooo... Billy is not weird.... he just has a dirty brain!
    Kisses and hugs

  13. Hee hee hee! This was turning into one of those "who's on first?" things! :)

  14. We can stop holding our breath now that we know that Billy is okay. Well, okay except for the green spots. Maybe those spots give him his great dancing talent which only shows up on Tuesdays.

  15. We are relieved that Billy will be fine, although those green spots are slightly disturbing.
    But you know, we kinda like Billy as he is, so we think they should stay.

  16. Oh What a scaiwy opewation
    I fainted sevewall times and couldn't keep weading..had to come back latew..
    I'm finally soo welieved
    Whew..heading ovew to give love and smoochies

  17. Well I am glad to know that Billy HAS a brain...

  18. WOW!!!!!!!!! This is...amazing!!!!
    That Billy is a brave kitty :) heehee
    Purrs Mickey,Georgia & Tillie

  19. We're glad Billy's surgery was so um....educational??? We think green spots are great! Does that mean Billy is part Irish?

    Sniffie and the Florida Furkids

  20. Wow! That is what I call team work, all of you doing what is best for Billy. Mom and I were reading and reading wondering what the outcome would be. Sorry to hear Billy still turned out weird after all that.


  21. You all crack us up - this was hysterical. We are all still chuckling.

    Woos, Phantom and Thunder

  22. We voted here, we think those green dots are one of those laser thingys.

  23. Poor Billy did he really need the brain operation???? He could have come and stayed with me, I like him just the way he was . . . I mean is. On the good side, way to go Dr. Buddy.

  24. We did not know that you could do brain surgery on a cat, what with the no brain part...MOM, yoo is not allowed to talk to our frends! Wait, what do yoo mean no brain? Now yoo is just being mean! We'z glad Billy is gonna be okay, we woulda been way sad if he din't wake up.

  25. Wow! This was hilarious! you guys are just TOO funny! I am glad that little Billy SweetFeets is gonna be fine, I mean, normal, I mean, back to his usual self. Good jobs, everybuddy!


  26. OH MY CATS AND DOGS!!! How did I miss an operation on my beloved Sweetfeets??? Whew, I'm so glad that he was in such a clean & sterile environment! I know from my sureries how important that is! Plus he had Dr. Buddy and the rest of the staff of the funny farm! Hmmm....if I need another back surgery, do you think they would be available???

    Goodness, I have missed you all!

    Love, Auntie Deb

  27. Oh poor Billy. We don't know him, so we'll have to go there to visit. What is it with orange cats anyway?


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