Billy's Brain Surgery

Percy: Well, today was Buddy's big day. His first scheduled brain surgery is finished. Billy Sweetfeets was volunteered by his brothers, Sammy and Miles Meezer. They wanted to find out why Billy is "weerd."

Cyndi: I was Dr. Buddy's assistant. I was afraid I would pass out at the sight of blood. I didn't. I barfed. All over Dr. Buddy. At least I missed the patient and the sterile instruments.

Sam: Then she passed out. Instead of falling backwards so I could catch her, she fell sideways, landing on Merci, who screeched and dropped the emergency phone. It rolled out of her reach under the operating table.

Cameron: Perhaps we should begin at the beginning and give you an abbreviated account of our day in the operating room.

Cotton: Yes, everything was going well. Percy knocked Billy over the .. uh, knocked Billy out with the anesthetic.

Rusty: Dr. Buddy asked me for the x-ray of a cat brain. I showed him the one he'd left lying on the computer desk.

Dr. Buddy: Rusty, this isn't the right picture. This is a CAT scan of a brain. I need a scan of a cat brain.

Crystal: Here you are, Dr. Buddy. I remembered you were looking at it when you were looking for food on the table. Just brush off the crumbs.

Merci: Everything is ready for you, Dr. Buddy. Are you all positive you want to go through with this? What if something goes wrong?

Dr. Buddy: Don't be a pessimist,. Merci. What could go wrong? Cyndi, scalpel!

Percy: Yikes! That's a lot of blood. Is he supposed to bleed that much?

Cotton: It's a head wound. I read they always bleed profusely.

Sam: This is when Cyndi barfed and fainted.

Dr. Buddy: I can't see what I'm doing. Cotton!

Cotton: Yes?

Dr. Buddy: No, hand me some cotton! I have to sop up some of this blood so I can see.

Crystal: Here you go, doc.

Dr. Buddy: What .... This isn't cotton. It's a coffee filter! Where's the cotton? Who's in charge of supplies?

Crystal: Sorry, doc, I am. I couldn't reach the cotton, so I grabbed a pack of coffee filters.

Cameron: We'll stop there. You get the idea. Things didn't go exactly as planned.

Rusty: And now the operation is over and Dr. Buddy has to give the bad news to Billy's family.

Percy: Dr. Buddy, would you rather one of us tell the Meezers and The Mom.

Dr. Buddy: No, that's my job. Here come the Meezer brothers now. Pull up a couple of chairs for them, will you. They'll need to be sitting down when they hear this news.

Cameron: Those of you who know the Meezers know they have a particular speech pattern and spelling which we don't want to try to copy for fear they'll think we're trying to imitate them. They'll have enough to deal with in a moment.

Sammy: We're here to pick up Billy's remains. Uh, I mean we're here to pick up Billy. Is he ready to go home yet?

Dr. Buddy: No, he's not quite ready yet. And I need to have a serious talk with you two about what happened in the operating room.

Miles: You mean he's .... gasp ... er ...

Merci: Dead.

Sammy & Miles, in unison: Billy's dead!

Merci: Oh, no, Billy's fine. I was just finishing your sentence for you.

Cameron: Yes, Billy's still sleeping off the bop on the .. uh, the anesthetic.



Dr. Buddy: Yes, Billy is fine. But I need to discuss what I discovered during the operation. After I sopped up the excess blood with coffee filters, I found something very mysterious about Billy.

Sammy: What's that?

Dr. Buddy: Billy is weird.

Miles: But we already knew that.

Dr. Buddy: But he's really weird. Here, let me show you what a normal cat brain looks like. See, how pink it is. Now this is Billy's brain. See the difference!

Sammy: What are those green spots?

Dr. Buddy: I'm not sure. Perhaps Billy is a secret nip addict. Or maybe Shaggy, Scooby & Scout were right and Billy's brain needs a good wash. But I didn't feel qualified to do that. You'd need a brainwashing specialist. Oh, it sounds like Billy's waking up now. He should be ready to go home soon. Just don't drop him on the way. The staples will need to be removed in a few days, but your The Mom probably has a staple remover at home. Thank you both for volunteering Billy to be my first surgery patient. I think it has been an educational experience for all of us. If you'll excuse me, I need to go find a tree. I've had my legs crossed for the last 3 hours.

Merci: Hey, doc, Cotton helped me scoot the phone out from under the table. But it's all wet. It smells of pee.

Percy, mumbling: When all that blood started spurting, I nearly joined Cyndi on the floor. But I took it like a man. I didn't barf. I didn't pass out. I just missed the litter pan by about two rooms.

PS -- You can leave get well wishes for Billy at the Meezers.