Friday, October 19, 2007

P.S. Miss Pat

Yesterday we said we would post the second half of the message Miss Pat sent us. (You can read the first part here.) This second part is why we decided to forgive her for attempting to cause problems for us with the first half. We don’t know what got into her. She is usually a very nice person. So why she would want to give Jan any rebellious ideas is beyond our comprehension.

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets :
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally -
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Oh, I guess we need to make some corrections to this list too, but only to the last part.

1. Some of us eat less. Buddy eats more.
2. Cameron is always asking for money for the club treasury.
3. Have you ever tried to train a hyperactive bundle of hyperactivity named Buddy? Or a curl up in a ball, don’t kill me, I surrender Merci? Or a tail whomping circus act named Samaritan? Or a
4. We do come when called – if we’re in the mood… if there isn’t anything better on TV….if Jan isn’t being punished.
5. Well, this one is correct. We never ask to drive the car. But we have borrowed it. (Farming Michael Vick Continued)
6 – 8. We hold a perfect record in these three items.
9. We don’t actually want to wear Jan’s clothes, just sleep on them when they are clean and fresh-smelling.
10. We don’t especially want to go to college, but we would like to send Buddy to trade school, perhaps to learn how to properly plumb. (The BMP Plumbing Service)
11. No, Jan can’t sell our offspring. She had us all farmed. (Buddy is Farmed)

(s) The Funny Farm residents

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Dear Miss Pat

Our friends Chuy and Satch are served by a nice lady named Miss Pat, who often sends us yummy treats and an occasional no-no, such as halters for the dogs. Miss Pat recently sent the Funny Farm an email which contains numerous errors. Because we love Miss Pat and also because we want Chuy, Satch and all the other dogs and cats out there to be free to be themselves, we are publicly correcting this message. (We asked Google politely but he wouldn’t tell us who wrote this. If anyone knows, please email us at mercyandpercy @ and let us know. We don’t want Jan to be spa--ed, so we added spaces in the address. You know the drill. Just close the spaces.) 

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats

~ The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

~ The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

~ I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. .I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

~ For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

~ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

The Funny Farm takes exception to the first part of this message. 

**All dishes with or without paw prints, on the floor or counter, are ours.

**Stairs were specifically designed for tripping Jan and we do our best. (For a specific example, read “The Scene of the Crime.”)

**The bed is ours! We can sleep with our butts on the pillow if we so desire. However, we feel deprived because Jan has not bought us a double bed and there is barely enough room for the 9 of us, let alone her. If she wants to sleep in our bed, she should buy one large enough for us to stretch out. And she should lose weight so as not to crowd us.

** There is a secret exit from the bathroom. It's called a window. And should Jan crawl out without notice, we will lock it behind her.

**Humans do everything in reverse. When greeting, sniff butts first, then kiss the human. Humans are so hard to train properly. 

However, we have decided to forgive you for attempting to cause problems for us because of the second part of the email, which we will post tomorrow.

(s) The Funny Farm

Monday, October 15, 2007

Bird Dancing

Buddy, napping in the warm sunshine by the open back door, is awakened by a piercing racket. He leaps to his feet and races into the living room. He stops dead in the doorway, unable to believe his eyes.

Lined up facing the computer desk – Percy in front, the other cats in the next row and Samaritan and Merci to the rear –the Funny Farm resident are strutting back and forth while alternately stomping their back feet in unison – or somewhat in unison – while leading an imaginary band with their waving front paws, bobbing their heads in time to the music, and vocalizing in high-pitched screeches.

Buddy swivels his head to view the computer’s monitor screen on the desk. There, strutting, stomping and bobbing to the beat of the Back Street Boys is a bird on the back of a large chair.

“Watch where you’re stepping,” Cameron cries as Samaritan steps on his tail.

“Have you all lost your minds?” Buddy thunders above the music.

Percy turns his head without missing a beat. “Oh, hi, Buddy,” he hollers over the noise. “Come join our aerobics class.”

Merci seconds the invitation. “Yes, it will calm you down and help you sleep.” 

“But I was sleeping,” Buddy roars. 

Breathing hard, Crystal, the oldest of the group, calls over, “Then it will give you energy.”

“I don’t want energy,” Buddy bellows. “I want to sleep.”

“We’re having treats when we finish,” Cotton hollers.

Buddy’s ears perk up. “Treats? Okay. I’m in.” 

He moves into line beside Merci. “Hey, this is fun,” he shouts, while he struts, stomps, waves and screeches with the rest of the bird dancing aerobics class.

(Snowball the dancing cockatoo video, otherwise known as the bird dancing aerobics instructor. May I have this dance?)

Update: Snowball now dances to Huey Lewis also. Click here to check him out.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Jasmine and Gizzy


Lynne from Darling Millie's blog (Click here to visit.) has recently lost Jasmine. This is the second older cat she has lost this year. Gizzy has been gone less than five months.


We remember what it was like when Jennie died. Jan cried a lot and tried to explain to us Jenny was never coming back. Anyone who has ever lost a pet knows that a single death is hard to cope with. Two is - well, it doubles the pain.

So we thought we would post the photos of Jasmine and Gizzy. Perhaps - hopefully - you will go visit and leave Lynne an encouraging message.

Excuse me. I have to go yell at Samaritan. He thinks my eyes are wet from tears, but it's an allergy. I'm too big to cry.

posted by Buddy, Funny Farm Journalist

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Fetch In Rain

What a great day! Samaritan, Buddy and I took Jan outside one-on-one this morning to play fetch in the rain. And it was so nice to be able to run and play when the weather was decent. (It was just a drizzle.) It has been a long, hot summer with very little rain.
This is the only time Jan and I get to play fetch. Indoors, if Jan throws a toy for me, the big guys run right over me, grab the toy and play tug with it.

This is really fun! As you can see, I'm still on a leash, but it's a looooong leash. Not the one I use to walk Jan. Have to keep her on a leash at all times or she wanders off, you know.

Break time! This is a great way to start a day. A long walk, a light shower (no soap) and some brisk exercise. I think we should take Jan out to play fetch more often.

Posted by Merci, Funny Farm Cat Rescuer

Monday, October 01, 2007

Three Bath Beauties

Don’t we look spiffy? Jan hasn’t been able to bathe us all summer because of the drought restrictions on water. We didn’t mind, but Jan did.
She was determined to bathe us before the weather gets too cold. And finally on Saturday, she got a notice from the utility company the ban is lifted, although Georgia state restrictions are still in effect so she had to wait until this morning. Unfortunately, it is already chilly here between midnight and 10 a.m. so we shivered a bit – actually we shivered a lot but Jan gave us a quick shampoo and rinse and – well, don’t we look spiffy? Oh, sorry, we already said that.

Jan is proud as a peacock. For the first time since we rescued Samaritan – yes, we rescued him while walking Jan – his hair didn’t break off in bald patches when she bathed him. He recently finished that horrible-tasting medication for the red mange he was born with. He wasn’t contagious. He just looked strange, all red and balding.

And, no, Buddy is not wearing a muzzle. Everyone asks her that when we walk Jan. He is wearing a halti, which is somewhat like a horse halter, only it is made for a dog. Buddy uses it to steer Jan, but she thinks he wears it so she can handle him. (Don’t tell her, please.)

We had our being-good-bath-biscuit treat and are sitting cozy and warm in the sunshine, so we’ve had a good day.

But Jan intends to wash her car Wednesday morning. The water will be colder by then. Wonder which one will catch cold first, Jan or the car? Brrrrr.

Posted by Merci, Funny Farm Cat Rescuer