Great Swampi Marcus 7

Taylor:  Oh, Swampi, you shouldn't let your fans see you yawning.  They'll think you're boring.  Or should that be they'll think they're boring?  Whichever, you shouldn't let anyone see you yawn in public. 

Marcus:  I'm not yawning.  I'm the Great Swampi, hear me roar!  What do you have for me this week?

Taylor:  Barking from the Bayou asked, "Do you know how to avoid bath time? I think we would all love to hear that advice.

Marcus:  I would love to hear that advice too.  I roll in the dirt and evidently a mushroom cloud of dust arises from me whenever I scratch or am petted, so I see a bath in my own near future.

Taylor:  Molly T. of The Fast and the Furrie needs some help.  "I'm hoping you can come up with a way to get Mom to play soccer with me more often than twice a day."

Marcus:  If your mom works for green papers, you could get her fired and then she would have lots more time to play soccer with you.  That's not a good idea, though, because you have become accustomed to eating regularly and I'm sure your mom has too.  Perhaps you could learn to play soccer by yourself for when she's not available.  Better yet, I have the same problem.  Perhaps we could play soccer together.

Taylor:  From Team Beaglebratz with Lady Shasta, "Can u tell me y it hazta rain so much? I NEED my walkiez an'me an'mom don't like bein'in the rain. An'mom sez I NEED my walkiez so I can loze weight. Mom already haz me on a diet."

Marcus:  It has to rain so much so we furries can get all wet and muddy and come into the house and dry ourselves off on the bed and other furniture and track mud all through the house. Our humans love that about us.  Jan is always praising us with, "Thanks a LOT for making a mess!"

Taylor:  Loulou asked in a post on her blog, "Oh, Great Swampi, can you give me a potion that will keep The Public from fawning over me all the time?"  (Her mama and papa are "The Public".) 

Marcus:  There is such a potion that will stop the fawning but it will net you a bath.  If you're desperate and want to try it, though, just roll in some Castor Oil mixed well with cayenne pepper.

Taylor:  You might remember our Friday post on the exploding bed?  (An Innocent BySleeper)  This question is from Pooh and Her Pooch blog.  "Was it a comfy bed after the explosion?"

Marcus:  Since it was my bed that Merci destroyed, I can tell you with certainty that is is NOT a comfy bed now.  In fact, Merci moved out of my crate and into a bed she previously considered too small and uncomfortable and is now working on making that one explode too.

Taylor: She's good!  I wonder if the military could use another demolition expert?


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Great Swampi Marcus 6

Micah:  Hey, Marcus, what happened to your ... um, your ... What is that anyway?

Marcus:  It's my Great Swampi turban.  Jan re-wrapped it to take photos and I got tired of modeling.  I plopped down and so did my turban.

Micah: Do you only see half as much with one eye covered?

Marcus:  Basically, yes, but I can still answer questions.

Micah:  I think the first question should be what happened to Merci Saturday?  She always screams when you leap at her face and screech.  But she sounded like she was being killed.

Marcus:  That was Jan's fault.

Micah:  So this time Jan leaped into Merci's face and screeched?

Marcus:  No, not exactly.  We were going out the door for our walk.  I grabbed my leash, as usual, and started tugging on it.  Jan leaned forward to stop me just as Merci stepped outside.  I let go of the leash and leaped at her face to screech and scare her.

Micah:  There had to be more to it.  Merci screamed longer and louder than usual.

Marcus:  That's because when I let go of the leash, Jan lost her balance.  She was closing the door, so when she fell forward, she slammed the door on Merci's tail.  Merci screamed!  I told you it was Jan's fault.

Micah:  To be honest, it sounds like you started it.

Marcus:  Me?  I was just an innocent bystander.  Don't I have a question to answer?

Micah:  Yes, you do.  Frankie Furter and Ernie von Schnitzel asked one.

"OH Grrrrrreatest Swampi... do you know how to get our Moms to be more GENEROUS when handing out the SNACKS??? OURS is quite STINGY.

Marcus:  Oh, that's an easy one.  Trip her.  As she goes flying by, so will your snacks - in all directions.

Micah:  Is that why you tripped Jan Saturday, so you could get more snacks?

Marcus:  No, that one was for practice.  Hopefully, next time she will be carrying some treats.

Micah:  Okay, that's it for today.  You have a full week now to get your turban on straight and prepare to answer next week's questions.  If you have any.

Marcus.  If not, I'll just make up some.  Or post a picture of Jan riding her motorcycle like Max the PsychoKitty did of his human when he didn't have any questions for his column one week.

Micah:  Jan doesn't have a motorcycle.

Marcus:  So?  Haven't you heard of Photoshop?

Micah:  Yes, I've heard of it.  Are you trying to tell me you know how to use it?

Marcus:  Of course!  I just press the button and ask for a picture of Jan on a motorcycle.

Micah:  While you're at it why don't you ask for a new photo of Marcus the Great Swampi wearing his turban.  That's what your ears are for, to anchor your hat!

Great Swampi Marcus 5

Marcus:  Hello, furry fans and humans.  I am the Great Swampi Marcus.

Percy:  You mean there are other Swampis out there somewhere?

Marcus:  Of course.  But I am the greatest.

Percy:  So what do you see this week?

Marcus:  First, I see the answer for 15 and Meowing.

     Can you predict lottery numbers?

     Yes.

Percy:   Go ahead. I'll just write down the winning numbers.

Marcus:  I was asked if I can predict lottery numbers.  I was not asked if I can predict winning lottery numbers.

Percy:  That's too bad.  Winning numbers could be worth a fortune.

Marcus:   Purrseidon the water cat wants to know, by any chance, did Stella sew catnip and/or dognip into it?

Percy:  It?

Marcus:  Yes, "it", my magic turban.  (Great Swampi Marcus 4)

The answer is no.  But there was a faint whiff of pug attached to it.

Percy:  Our next question is from Loulou.

Marcus:  Hey, does this nice Stella actually slip Jack Daniels into her knitting gifts?

No.  But don't tell Jan.  We dogs are crafty at hiding things, so she is still hopeful Stella Rose Long hid a bottle between the stitches of my magical turban.

Percy:  I thought Stella gave it to you as a blankie.

Marcus:  Blankie ... turban?  Either way it keeps my ears warm.

Percy:  Do you have anything to say about this strange email we received recently?

Hi There,

I'm a newish reader of your blog...but I just wanted to let you know that you are building something awesome. You are very good at using an individualized perspective as a way to break down complex themes/topics for your readers. I found your blog to be especially engaging because I can relate to a lot of your content.

Anyway, my name is (removed). Last year I started building up a blog/news site called (removed). We write about student debt, financial aid, and education policy.

I do much of the writing myself and I've actually convinced a few other bloggers to help me produce our content.

Would you be willing to let me contribute a post to your site? In 2017, I set a goal to 10x my readership. Specifically, I'd like to submit a post related to scholarships, student debt, and financial aid. I could even write about managing finances as a young adult.

Let me know what you think! And if you would ever like to chat about building a following, I'd love to pick your brain.

Marcus:  Yes, in a pig sty!

Percy:  Huh?  You mean when pigs fly?

Marcus:  No, I mean in a pig sty!  That's where that message belongs.

Percy:  Why?

Marcus:  It's wallowing in mud.  The writer has obviously never read our blog! 

Percy:  What makes you say that?

Marcus:  Everyone knows we don't have any finances to manage.  We could use some financial aid, but we don't want any student debt, unless, of course, a student wants to be indebted to us.

Percy:  I think it would be fun to watch you respond to the challenge.

Marcus:   What challenge?

Percy:  He wants to pick your brain.

Great Swampi Marcus 4

Marcus:  Hairy ohm to all.  I have returned -

Cyndi:  Stop right there!  Before you return, what's a hairy ohm?

Marcus:  That's Yam Aunty's greeting.   I just thought I'd borrow it today.

Cyndi:  And why would she be talking about a hairy unit of electrical resistance?

Marcus:  I have no idea, but everyone nods and smiles when she says it.

Cyndi:  Wait!  Wait!  I'm looking through her emails now.  It's not "hairy ohm".  It's "Hari om".

Marcus:  Oh, well, I was close.

Cyndi:  You weren't even close.

Marcus:  I am never wrong.  Except perhaps -  Never mind.  Frankie and Ernie asked me a very important question --  

"OH GRRRRREAAT Swampi... can you do anythingy to get this Horrid Snow Storm STELLA to stay FAR From our place? We are supposed to get 6 to 9 Inches of "IT" and we don't Want it." 

I have great news for you, Frankie and Ernie, I see that after only three long days of blowing snow and drifts, Stella will move on and will only leave you with about 7" of snow.  

Cyndi:  You call that good news?  Hold on!  You're cheating.  You got that information off of their mom's emails to Jan.

Marcus:  I said I see.  I didn't say where. And now to answer a question from our friend Loulou.

"Could you please tell me where you get those adorable turbans you wear...tres chic."

Of course.  This particular turban is one of a kind and was handmade in the magical land of stellaroselong. Despite comments about resembling a giraffe,

 when I first donned it, something magical happened.  I became The Great Swampi.

Cyndi:  I'm starting to wonder if Stella slipped a bottle of Wild Turkey in the box with it.

Marcus:  My newfound persona does not depend on intoxicants.  I possess a clear head, keen eyesight, and perfect hearing.

Cyndi:  I guess a sound mind is the only thing missing.

Marcus:  What did you say?

Cyndi:  Nothing important. 

Marcus the Great Swampi 3

Cyndi: I see you're back, Swampi. What are you up to now?

Marcus:  I, the Great Swampi, will answer the comment questions from last Monday.  (The Great Swampi 2)

Cyndi:  Okay, I have to ask.  Are you just going to answer them, or are you going to answer them correctly?

Marcus:  There's a difference?

Cyndi:  Evidently not.  

Q: The Florida Furkids.    Can you tell us where Mom hid the treats?

Marcus:  Yes.

Cyndi:  Aren't you going to tell them where?

Marcus:  No, they only asked if I can tell them.  The answer is yes, but their mom wants it kept secret.
 
Q:  Yam Auntie.  Oh Master Swampi-ji... any clues on how to get home maintenance done without the usual agony and ecstasy and expense?

Marcus:  Yes, move to a home that doesn't need maintenance.

Cyndi:  Where would she find one?

Marcus:  I didn't say there is such a home.  I just suggested she move to one.

Q:  Angel, Kirby & Max.  Great Swampi, Mom says she has lost her mind. Do you know how, why, where it is and how we can get it back for her?

Marcus:  Yes.

Cyndi:  This is important.  Please answer them.

Marcus:  Follow Jan.  When she finds her mind, your mom's will be in the same storage locker.  Or refrigerator.  Those two places look alike to me.

Q:  Quinn. Okay, what did Mommy buy for her birthday that's for me? Bet you can't see that!

Marcus:  Of course I can see that.  She wrote on your blog she is buying you two presents for her birthday.  By the way, Happy Birthday to your mom!

Q:  Loulou.  Oh, Great Swampi, please let me know where mama keeps all the chocolate biscuits and while you're at it, there's one in there for you if you succeed.

Marcus:  She keeps them under the rock in the house.  Or is that over the rock?

Cyndi:  I hardly think anyone would keep biscuits under a rock.  They wouldn't be biscuits then, they'd be crumbs.

Marcus:  In that case, I believe she keeps them in the cupboard.  Third door to the right.

Cyndi:  And that ends today's answers by Marcus the Great Swamp.

Marcus:  Swampi.  The Great Swampi!

Marcus the Great Swampi 2

Marcus:  I am the Great Swampi!

Buddy:  We've already been through this.  (Marcus the Great Swampi).

Percy:  And it's "swami", not "swampi".

Marcus:  No, I am the Great Swampi.  My fans prefer that title and so do I.

Percy:  I will say "swampi" suits you.

Buddy:  So what does a swampi do?

Marcus:  I see all and know all.

Buddy:  So do you know what happened to the biscuit I hid in my bedding?

Marcus:  Yes.

Buddy:  Do you want to share the information?

Marcus:  No.

Percy:  That's because Marcus ate the biscuit you hid.

Buddy:  We'll get back to this when Jan gives out the treats tonight.  Meanwhile, Jan has misplaced her keys.  Do you know where she lost them?

Marcus:  Yes.

Percy:  Would you like to tell us where they are?

Marcus:  Washer

Buddy:  They're in the washing machine?

Marcus:  No.

Percy:  I know!  Jan had the keys in her hand when she started to fix our breakfast.  They're in the little basket on top of the washer.

Buddy:  I thought Marcus is supposed to be the one who knows all?

Percy:  Go check, Buddy.  The top of the washing machine.

Buddy:  That's where they are, all right.  How did you know that Percy?

Percy:  I saw her put them there and then forgot about it.

Marcus:  I told you I see all and know all.  My expertise is now open to all my friends and fans.  Do you need advice?  Have you lost your red neckerchief? Did your human hide your favorite toy?  The Great Swampi will help you find it.

Marcus the Great Swampi

Marcus:  I am Marcus, the Great Swampi.

Cyndi:  I think you mean the Great Swami.

Marcus:  Okay, I am the Great Swami.  I see all.  I know everything.

Cyndi:  Good, then you can tell me what happened to the treat stash I was saving for a cold night.

Marcus:  It was eaten by ... I'm sorry, I can't tell who it was.

Cyndi:  You can't tell because you can't see, or you can't tell because you're the guilty party?

Marcus:  I have a question for you.  If you can answer, I will try again to see who ate your stash.

Cyndi:  Okay.

Marcus:  Why did Jan put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Cyndi:  Because the ice skates were too wobbly?

Marcus:  What ice skates?  I asked about roller skates?  So why?

Cyndi:  I don't believe Jan put roller skates on anything.  She likes her feet on the ground!

Marcus:  Sorry, bad example.  Why did the teenager next door put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Cyndi:  She can't.  They don't have a rocking chair.

Marcus: Okay, why did the teenager next door put roller skates on OUR rocking chair? 

Cyndi:  Oh, that's easy.  Because she wanted to rock and roll.  So who ate my stash?

Taylor:  Hi, Marcus, I see you're dressed like a giraffe again.  Hey, don't go.  I was joking.

Marcus:  You broke my concentration.  I need to go lie down.

Cyndi:  Now I'll never know who ate my treat stash.

Taylor:  Oh, that's easy.  Marcus ate it last night.