Dear Miss Pat

Our friends Chuy and Satch are served by a nice lady named Miss Pat, who often sends us yummy treats and an occasional no-no, such as halters for the dogs. Miss Pat recently sent the Funny Farm an email which contains numerous errors. Because we love Miss Pat and also because we want Chuy, Satch and all the other dogs and cats out there to be free to be themselves, we are publicly correcting this message. (We asked Google politely but he wouldn’t tell us who wrote this. If anyone knows, please email us at mercyandpercy @ gmail.com and let us know. We don’t want Jan to be spa--ed, so we added spaces in the address. You know the drill. Just close the spaces.) 

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats

~ The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

~ The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

~ I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. .I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

~ For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

~ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

The Funny Farm takes exception to the first part of this message. 

**All dishes with or without paw prints, on the floor or counter, are ours.

**Stairs were specifically designed for tripping Jan and we do our best. (For a specific example, read “The Scene of the Crime.”)

**The bed is ours! We can sleep with our butts on the pillow if we so desire. However, we feel deprived because Jan has not bought us a double bed and there is barely enough room for the 9 of us, let alone her. If she wants to sleep in our bed, she should buy one large enough for us to stretch out. And she should lose weight so as not to crowd us.

** There is a secret exit from the bathroom. It's called a window. And should Jan crawl out without notice, we will lock it behind her.

**Humans do everything in reverse. When greeting, sniff butts first, then kiss the human. Humans are so hard to train properly. 

However, we have decided to forgive you for attempting to cause problems for us because of the second part of the email, which we will post tomorrow.

(s) The Funny Farm