We Don't Swim

I found these swimming cat videos on the Internet. They're cute, but I hope no one (Jan, in particular) gets the wrong idea because we are posting them here. This is not what you will find happening around the Funny Farm!

Everyone knows cats don't swim. At least normal cats don't. Normally, we are landlubbers and proud of it.

This is Jenna.



In this house, we prefer our water dripping from the tap, thank you. No floating in the tub! And no baths!! (s) Percy, Speaking for all the Funny Farm felines

Mothers

Percy tells Merci, “I was just trolling the net for pet news and came across an interesting news item I thought you might like to read, you being a girl and all. Here, you’re short. I’ll enlarge the print so you can read it.”

“Oh, what beautiful puppies,” Merci exclaims, her eyes shining. “And they’re red, like me.”

“Yes, but you’re not an Irish Setter,” Cyndi says, squinting slightly at the computer screen from her perch on the printer.

“I know I’m not an Irish Setter, and if they have 15 puppies at a time, I’m glad I’m not one. I can’t imagine trying to feed all those hungry puppies.”

Percy nods. “That’s why I thought this article so interesting. While mama Madyson was giving birth, the family’s English Setter Liliana cleaned up all the puppies and even though she wasn’t pregnant, she began to produce milk to help feed them. Now the two dogs work as a team at feeding time and all the puppies get their proper nourishment.”

“That’s sweet,” Merci sighs. “I never had any puppies but Buddy took over my den when he was 3 or 4 weeks old, and then Samaritan moved in when he was 4 months of age. Those boys always wanted to play tug or wrestle or run over me to fetch the toy first. They wore me out! So I feel I’ve done my part to help raise the younger generation of canines.”

Percy leans over and pats Merci on the top of her head. “I’m sure they appreciate you, Merci. I know I do. You rescued me when I was barely big enough to eat solid food. I can see why you wouldn’t want to have a litter of Buddys and Samaritans but I’m sure you wouldn’t mind having 15 of me running around the house.”

Merci, stunned, stares up at Percy. Cyndi begins to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Percy asks.

“You are. We’d all go bonkers if there were 15 of you running around the house. You might not be a canine, but you, Buddy and Samaritan are like 3 peas in a pod. I think it has just occurred to Merci she has actually helped raise 3 screwballs, not just 2.”

Percy protests. “I resent being called a screwball! Just because I’m a feline rescued and raised by a canine does not mean I’m a screwball.”

Samaritan enters the living room with a mouth full of dog biscuits Crystal has tossed down to him from where Jan hid them on a porch shelf. He stops at Jan’s typing chair where Percy is seated and opens his mouth.

 

Percy reaches out and helps himself to a green one. “Thanks, Samaritan.”

Samaritan bends his neck so Merci can reach up and choose a dark brown biscuit.

Cyndi shakes her head. “Perhaps screwball was the wrong word. An animal psychologist’s windfall would be more accurate.”

To read the news story on Madyson and the puppies’ surrogate mother Liliana, click here.

P.S. Miss Pat

Yesterday we said we would post the second half of the message Miss Pat sent us. (You can read the first part here.) This second part is why we decided to forgive her for attempting to cause problems for us with the first half. We don’t know what got into her. She is usually a very nice person. So why she would want to give Jan any rebellious ideas is beyond our comprehension.

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets :

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally -
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Oh, I guess we need to make some corrections to this list too, but only to the last part.

1. Some of us eat less. Buddy eats more.

2. Cameron is always asking for money for the club treasury.

3. Have you ever tried to train a hyperactive bundle of hyperactivity named Buddy? Or a curl up in a ball, don’t kill me, I surrender Merci? Or a tail whomping circus act named Samaritan? Or a ...cat?

4. We do come when called – if we’re in the mood… if there isn’t anything better on TV….if Jan isn’t being punished.

5. Well, this one is correct. We never ask to drive the car. But we have borrowed it. (Farming Michael Vick Continued)

6 – 8. We hold a perfect record in these three items.

9. We don’t actually want to wear Jan’s clothes, just sleep on them when they are clean and fresh-smelling.

10. We don’t especially want to go to college, but we would like to send Buddy to trade school, perhaps to learn how to properly plumb. (The BMP Plumbing Service)

11. No, Jan can’t sell our offspring. She had us all farmed. (Buddy is Farmed)

(s) The Funny Farm residents

Dear Miss Pat

Our friends Chuy and Satch are served by a nice lady named Miss Pat, who often sends us yummy treats and an occasional no-no, such as halters for the dogs. Miss Pat recently sent the Funny Farm an email which contains numerous errors. Because we love Miss Pat and also because we want Chuy, Satch and all the other dogs and cats out there to be free to be themselves, we are publicly correcting this message. (We asked Google politely but he wouldn’t tell us who wrote this. If anyone knows, please email us at mercyandpercy @ gmail.com and let us know. We don’t want Jan to be spa--ed, so we added spaces in the address. You know the drill. Just close the spaces.) 

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats

~ The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

~ The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

~ I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. .I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

~ For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

~ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

The Funny Farm takes exception to the first part of this message. 

**All dishes with or without paw prints, on the floor or counter, are ours.

**Stairs were specifically designed for tripping Jan and we do our best. (For a specific example, read “The Scene of the Crime.”)

**The bed is ours! We can sleep with our butts on the pillow if we so desire. However, we feel deprived because Jan has not bought us a double bed and there is barely enough room for the 9 of us, let alone her. If she wants to sleep in our bed, she should buy one large enough for us to stretch out. And she should lose weight so as not to crowd us.

** There is a secret exit from the bathroom. It's called a window. And should Jan crawl out without notice, we will lock it behind her.

**Humans do everything in reverse. When greeting, sniff butts first, then kiss the human. Humans are so hard to train properly. 

However, we have decided to forgive you for attempting to cause problems for us because of the second part of the email, which we will post tomorrow.

(s) The Funny Farm