BUDDY AVOIDS PSYCHO ATTIC FARM

“"But Buddy is a great bed making teacher," Merci protests.

BUDDY AVOIDS PSYCHO ATTIC FARM
Copyright 2005 Janice Price

I want you to know, Murphy, I don’t see a thing wrong with my original bed making methods. My bed making skills are far superior to Jan’s. Besides, I won the Scruffy Award for my talent. I don’t know how old Jan is, but I’m three months old and she must be at least a month older than me, and she has never won a single award for anything, let alone for bed making.

I write this under duress - great duress! - but Jan insists. In fact, she is forcing me to apologize to you, Murphy, and to your servant Jimmy, for any problems my bed making methods might have caused in your home. And to apologize to any other household which might possibly have been affected by my last journal entry. (See “Buddy’s Advice for Perfect Bed Making.)

I also have to apologize to Merci, for being a … I can’t write this, Jan. I’m not bad. Okay, okay, I’ll finish it. I apologize, Merci, for being a bad influence on your naturally neat nature and for teaching you messy bed making habits. Jan says if we both don’t shape up and stop making messes (messes?) out of our bedding, she’s going to take away our bed and make us sleep in the bathtub. The bathtub is cold.

There, I’ve said everything I’m supposed to say. Jan said if I don’t apologize, she’ll remove me from the funny farm and send me to a psycho attic farm instead. I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m not crazy. I’m just young and ambitious.

As you can tell from the photograph, Jan wasn’t happy with the bed Merci and I made today. I thought it was exceptionally good. I even added leftovers from the well-chewed front door mat and a battery-operated toothbrush. She really lectured us, both of us!

I tried to protect Merci because she’s so timid. This is the first time Jan has ever told her she has slovenly habits, and it has broken her heart, if not her spirit. And after she recently won the award for the neatest bed! She was so proud of that award.

I was happy Merci and I finally found some common ground in bed sharing. After our differences of opinion over how to make a neat bed, Merci began to recognize how artistic I am, and after my last column, she started taking lessons from me. Together, we’ve been experimenting with new visual effects. I guess Jan needs to trade in her drinking mugs for glasses, after all. Her eyesight must be going downhill.

So, Murphy, if Jimmy lets you read this entire column, please note this was written under duress. I would protest more adamantly but I don’t know anyone at the psycho attic farm. In order to stay here with my friends, I humbly apologize to all who have been influenced by my creative streak.

This is a temporary setback, so please don’t stop reading my column. Even though I make a mean bed, Jan served me with a Cease and Desist Order. I will, however, return soon with another money-making venture.

This is Mr. Buddy, the obedient and misunderstood journalist, signing off for the day.